SepticSkeptik

****WARNING -- THIS IS INCREDIBLE DEPRESSIVE, SO IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THAT SHIT, MIGHT WANT TO GO ELSEWHERE****

Hello everyone.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Before I say anything else, I'd like to thank those that have added me to their watch list since ... well probably November 2014. That is to say, I feel an obligation to say thanks, even though I'm unsure why you added a person to your watch who hasn't done anything in months.
Either way, I appreciate the support. I just wish I could actually make something new or "finish" one of my unfinished pieces.
The last piece I uploaded here to DA, Demyelination

 

that was one of my "best" from the last time I used my camera, back in November - right before I was half-diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. (I say half because I had 1 "attack", and to "officially" have MS you need to have had AT LEAST 2 "attacks").
Basically, since late November, I've fallen into one of my strongest, deepest depressions to date. Even to this day, I REALLY, REALLY want to just kill myself and get it over with.

I've been struggling with depression for a couple of decades now, and I'm just tired of trying and not seeing a certain result - the meaning, or more clearly, my own personal meaning of why I should try to continue living through this shit we call life.

Some people have family, some have religion, some have some kind of inner balance/peace that keeps them going, and to them I say: great. I am INCREDIBLY envious of you all, that you have the ability to stop at a certain point and say: "This reason, this very apparent one I have here, is the reason I try, the reason I go on one day at a time". I really wish I had something like that. Some people are still searching for a reason themselves and still find some things to help them get from one day to the next. Some don't and never do ....

So how have I made it this far? Why not "do the deed" that plagues me daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes several times an hour? The only thing so far has been a strange test of willpower, mixed with a curiosity to see how far I can go till either A) I give in (and kill myself); B) I find whatever it is that I need to stop being depressed.
So in a way, I'm not in a hurry to kill myself, but lately the pain of reality is thickening, the intensity growing to what I can only imagine is a breaking point of some kind.

I understand that I have a wife and child, brothers and parents, more cousins and aunties and uncles than I care to count off the top of my head. However, I am a much more deeper thinker than anyone else I've met. I think very existentially. I want to understand what life is about before I can live it - problem is, I most likely will have "lived" my life before I ever figure the answer to that.

I've heard from many people that the "cure" to my "depression" (because some people just can't wrap their heads around depression - so it's more of a strange concept to them) is: get into a routine (or back into the one I had) - and this "depression or whatever it is", "this funk" will pass. I've been told, "get back to work, get back to what you did and you'll feel better". Essentially, stop wondering: "Why live life if I don't understand it?" and just start living it before it's over.

Okay - I understand that viewpoint. But to me it's like someone saying, "Do this job."
To which I respond, "Okay, but why?"
All I ever receive is silence or some form of bullshit "logic/reasons" - theoretical buildings that are "floating" above hollow/ghost-like foundations.
"...how else are you going to make money? especially if you don't get back to work?" (maybe I don't care about money or work?)
"...it's not too hard is it?" (Yes, actually, it's quite "soul-crushing" and physically painful indeed)
"...you'll feel better. You just have to get back into the groove of things." (I'm assuming you mean: I'll eventually stop asking myself repetitively the existential questions of life I've been always obsessed over by replacing the repetitive existential questions with less meaningful ones - ie. why is my boss so fucking stupid/retarded? Why are we doing things backwards? Will they ever fire this idiot I have to work with/under? - Sorry, I don't think so)

**SIDE NOTE: whenever I was working/doing what I do, I was depressed. I believe I had a stronger ability to hide it from people in the past - a stronger ability to fake my happiness or pretend to be normal. I've even heard from many people that they think I'm not really depressed (and what I suspect they are kindly tip-toeing around, but for some reason are avoiding saying is: "I think you are lying about your depression"). My best guess for this concealment of their opinion (judgment) is that they aren't confident enough to support themselves in that judgement; to stand behind it with conviction, and possibly be made into a fool once I pick them and their logic apart. But I'm digressing.**

My latest depression isn't even a result of my (1/2) MS, not directly anyways. The diagnosis and flashbacks of how it all manifested at this time are the main reason for the intensity that the depression is at now. As for having even felt a reaction to being (1/2) diagnosed with MS, some sort of personal response or emotional despair - that hasn't happened yet, and if it did happen, I am oblivious to it.

In trying to boil it all down a bit here, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of faking that one-day-at-a-time works for me. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Etc.
I am doing it (living/trying), but not for the reasons most others seem to. I'm pessimistic and trying my hardest to not be. As confusing as it sounds, I'm an open-minded pessimistic, searching at times to find whatever I NEED to help me become an optimist or at least just enough to get by. Other times, I just don't have the energy to care.

One thing that is "built" or "embedded" within me is what I describe as a sort of "back-up system" (BUS) to give a shit, to try. Some might call this an "inner voice", a "conscience". It (whatever it is) is what has kept me from pushing that blade through the skin or from unscrewing a cap of pills and then swallowing with a bottle of rum; from showering with the toaster or jumping off one of the cities "fine" bridges. It's this BUS that is even getting me to try and write this out.

The following is a typical conversation I have with myself, daily - sometimes several times a day:

"Try, Pat."

"But, why?" I ask myself (or my BUS).

"Because," replies my BUS, "it matters."

"To who? I've been dealing with all this bullshit alone for decades, still struggling to go forward, losing momentum and strength. So why write this out? Why post it here of all places? Why post this at all?"

"You know why, but you don't truly believe why. But for the sake of what audience you might have at this moment, let's spell it out for them. There ARE people here at DA, there ARE people in your life that are with you, whether you feel them or not, that care! Some of them even have it worse than you, some don't have it as bad.
But you've read it from countless people on here - you've inspired them, given them a kick in the ass when needed. And even those responses and replies, reading those words have been a driving force for you in the past."

"Right ... in the past. Have you ever noticed how I've tried to have friends in the past and now I have none? Even my friends from high school, who have had my number in the past (one of which currently has my latest number - since I bumped into him last summer) still avoid me, still don't feel a need to call me, to include me in their life.
Even my co-workers who I've worked with for years, they don't invite me to parties or even out for a simple beer after work. It's like I'm some sort of leper or a man with too many personal burdens that to invite me doesn't even enter peoples minds.
Perhaps I'm just a bitter asshole and don't register it myself. Everyone else can see it in me and tolerates my pessimistic nature at work, but really don't want to "deal with me" unless they're getting paid to do so.
I wouldn't know, barely anyone talks to me - my wife included.
...
Either way, we were talking about the past. That's where I've (apparently) made a difference, so much to the point that I've been away from art and DA for months and I've only really communicated once to one person. I've lost my "love" for art.
So what now then? I haven't picked up a paint brush or taken out my camera in MONTHS. I have an urge to write, but never know what, and there's this urge to do what I am doing right now (writing a journal entry) - which by the why, you never answered, BUS. Why write it out or post it here at all? Why now?"

"Okay, firstly I just told you, people on here care for you. So why not tell them how you are doing? Let them know you are alive - maybe not well - but even trying is better than nothing. It just might help some people out, if not now, maybe even in the future.
As for the: "what now?" - that's up to you. I know almost everything you do artistically always feels like it falls far from what you are trying to create. You start with an idea, work on it, screw up a bit here and there, and in the end are disappointed because it's not exactly what you want.
Guess who else feels like that? SO MANY OTHER ARTISTS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TALLY UP FOR YOU! That's one reason they continue to move forward, why they are a part of DA, why they share their art and continue to look for support on here. They want to do better than the last thing they did (and possibly failed at ... just like you). Some artists are content with what they made but they know they can do better, and continue to try and do so.
AND THIS NEXT PART YOU KNOW IS TRUE (whether you ever want to come to terms with it or not) - that fact that you, Pat Frost A.K.A. Septic Skeptik, try - that means something to others.
FUCK SAKES, you've been living with depression for DECADES and haven't "bit the bullet" (not that you've ever owned a gun, but I think we all get the point). You try and try again, little by little. You may never see the light at the end of the tunnel, you may never find the TRUE meaning to your life, but that doesn't mean you haven't found things that are meaningful in your life.
You have a wife and son who you'd kill for, who you are now trying for. You are taking your anti-depressants, your vitamins, you are getting more exercise by the week.
Yes, you still don't have friends (not in the physical sense) that you can go hang out with. How would you be dealing with them right now if you even had them in your life?"

"That's a bit hard to answer, don't you think? It's a life altering element that I don't have a clear perspective on. You might as well be asking how much different my life would be if I had an extra $10,000 a year or a second child. It's unpredictable."

"You're right. It is unpredictable, just like your future.
So you don't understand why you should try, why you should swallow your pills, do your exercises, care for others, get back into art and singing, discover ways to express yourself (yes, even the "you" that you yourself don't know/understand), take your photos, try and make new friends, see your psychologist, see your GP, your psychiatrist, your MS specialist, spend time with your family, brush your teeth, shower regularly, eat healthy, work off your student loan debt, work off your credit card debt, do your taxes (which are now late BTW), fret over never owning a decent vehicle, fret over never owning a decent house, worry that your wife might not be alive in 10 years, worry that your child will need to have major surgery in 2-4 years.You don't understand why you should try to deal with any of this, correct?"

"Correct."

"I don't know why either, but as long as we keep trying, maybe one day, one of these things will become "clear" - and that might clarify another and another.

It might not.

But you said it yourself, you're not in a hurry to die. The pain of living is intensifying, which I understand. But almost everyone else says to hang in, to keep trying.
To put that one foot in front of the other. To baby step your way through life.
So keep waiting, keep putting off your death day till you no longer can. Who knows, maybe those answers will start to "seep in", "crawl out of the woodwork" "come to you".
And if not, at least no one can say you didn't try.

TAAA-DAAA! And that's just a tiny snippet of what its like to be me! Fucking negative, depressive, pessimistic, and argumentative.

I didn't really have a point to this whole journal entry here, just felt compelled to write for some reason, and you know what they say: "write what you know".

***Possibly, coming up on the next journalistic version of Fuck My Life, we may dive into the "great epiphany" that lead to this latest downward spiral. Then again, this entry took over a whole god-damn month to write and "publish", so we'll see.***

OH AND BONUS! Here's a pathetic video I did for my mother for Mother's Day. Just uploaded it yesterday.
I blather on for about the first 6 and 1/2 minutes but then if you want to see it, I sing my most favorite song (Ender by Finch) in a horrible fashion.
See my mom is far away and I don't get to talk to her much, plus she doesn't really get to hear me sing - EVER - so I thought I'd make an effort and record me singing a song for her as a mother's day present.